"I'm not that kind of Angel"

Questioning whether it's OK to blog what I happen to think at any given time. I am in business as a spiritual healer, and what happens to my public image if I get upset one day and write about it? Am I supposed to be a perfect being? Does that mean I lack emotions? Even Jesus lost his temper. Guatama Buddha ate bad meat and died from acute food poisoning (that's right, he wasn't a vegetarian). The Hindus have a tremendously large pantheon of dieties with multiple aspects to each. Kali-ma is the most popular personal diety in India: she drinks the blood of demons. Her likeness is often seen dancing on the corpse of her lover. I think it's safe to say that she is a bad-ass, but in a good way. She weilds tremendous power. Moses broke the tablets, and Mohammed pressed islam all over his territory where it became a predominant social order. He was no wimp. (PS, i am not defending monotheism or institutionalized religion and I'm not condemning it either).

There is such a thing as resistance-- I'm not on a crusade other than trying to do what I do and help people. It doesn't matter to me what the person holds as religious beleifs, or if they don't have any. And I don't think it serves anybody, really, for me to pretend to be an amorphous blob of pure spiritual love without any OTHER human qualities.

At the same time I'm embarassed for ranting that we had to cancel a display ad. Big deal. Same goes for a bulletin board with contradictory qualities, jeez, who the hell cares. And I've been talking about my espresso machine-- which is damn close to being my only vice. I don't smoke, rarely drink, no drugs, am not sex crazed but not celibate either. One day a few years back I decided that I wanted my one cup of coffee in the morning to taste good. Then I decided it should be really good. Then I decided it should be as good as it can possibly be. But I'm embarrased by that. A lot of human experience can be seen as profound, but on some level maybe a lot of human experience is trivial to me. I see it most in my own interests: when I realize I simply like good coffee, therefore I roast it myself and maintain a pretty elaborate espresso machine. And every once in a while I look over at it and just laugh. I used to be in a band, I used to design and build custom speakers, I used to ride and sometimes race motorcycles, I've been an obsessed newspaper reporter and photo journalist, wildlife photographer, published several works of fiction and non-fiction. I've been a literary editor. I've had loves whom I have considered central to my existence. Who cares. I look over at all that stuff and laugh. What matters-- kindness, giving of oneself, honesty, a lot of those amorphous yet definitive moments in time as they arise and then pass into obscurity. A part of me has been wholly fascinated with the integration of the transcendant and the immanent ever since I was a little kid. I've accepted the spiritual life and trained myself for it; I'm still in training of course. But I'm spiritual, not dead. Even after I'm dead I figure I'll show a little spirit, a little spice. At the risk of being trite I quote the movie "Michael" when I say, Inner light? Halo? Yeah sometimes, but otherwise "I'm not that kind of Angel."