Knitting the Mystery

I so like this comment from Betsy ( www.betsybaumgardner.com ) that I’m reposting it below. Check out her website for some nice classical music/chorale clips: she sings and plays the Organ, graduated from Juilliard and teaches music etc.

“Hello -- I found your website through a mention on a newsletter I receive from Ann Albers every week. I have enjoyed reading your site and looking at the photos! Amazing photography. I love the way you capture the spiritual essence and beauty of your "client" be it animal, human or nature. Your comments on wanting to help the suffering, but not being able to for various reasons or situations does strike a chord in my heart too. Being an ex-New Yorker I found myself constantly immersed in the extremes of human existence. Its one of the reasons I left NYC -- my heart was becoming calloused and hard -- something I did not want. I also smiled at your comments regarding "The Secret"!. Yes, the truths presented are ancient -- but the focus on just simply getting a better material life leaves out a lot of depth. There is nothing wrong with having a comfortable living and roof over one's head etc. There is nothing wrong with abundance either. But in my opinion the real goal is to get to the point where you can see the Divine Presence in everything. And this "seeing" blesses one and all. I remember walking past a woman on the street who had been injured (NYC) there were folks around assisting her, so she didn't need my human assistance. But I felt this call "for help", and I didn't know what to do. Pray - was what came to me. A passage by Mary Baker Eddy came to thought: "there is no lapse from, nor return to, harmony..." Science & Health... I just prayed with that thought until I felt a sense of peace. I don't know if it blessed the woman on the street, because I kept on my journey as I prayed. But it certainly has blessed me many times over the years, just recalling that "prayer work". So oftentimes we think that we are not "doing something" for someone and well, maybe we really are!” (Betsy Baumgardner)

Betsy mentions Anne Albers-- a really sweet lady whom Sheryl and I got in touch with online after seeing her one and only video post on You Tube. Here’s how we happened across her: On Valentines day a friend sent us a link to the “Free Hugs” campaign video. I watched it and then visited the website. There were a dozen or so video clips there-- I only clicked on one and it was this charming woman who starts out saying “I have an unusual Job, I talk to Angels.” Of course! So I went and found her website http://www.visionsofheaven.com/

There I discovered a really extensive web page and noticed that Anne is so busy doing Angel communicating that she has a waiting list at least six months long for an appointment. Holy crap! So we sent her an email and asked her how she got so successful. She wrote back immediately with some helpful tips, mostly having to do with gratitude and praying that the people you can help the most find you. She’s right too. We had been asking to see some examples of other spiritual practitioners who were professional, successful yet sincere and accessible (that’s what we strive to be). Our prayers got answered. That’s happening a lot these days.

Thanks for the compliments about my photos, Betsy. I’m glad that the way I feel about my subjects shows in the work.

On the issue of helping those in need, I totally agree with you-- you do what you can and what you feel called to do. It varies a great deal depending on the circumstance. I won’t say that I was “in need” exactly, but I did just say to Sheryl how nice it would be to get a comment or two on our Blogs, and kazaam, here’s Betsy, same day.

“The Secret” video keeps coming up in our lives, people mention it to us. We just heard that Oprah featured it on her show, and she’s got a huge viewing audience. I’m really glad that it’s introducing people to the reality of the “Law of attraction” (it’s no “secret,” just Google it) but I concur with Betsy that there’s more to it than the simple, often materialistic examples given in the video. We’re hearing however, that this film is convincing people to turn their lives around for the better though, so Sheryl and I aren’t knocking it.
Craig Ferguson on the Late Late show had a pretty funny take about the kid in the Vid who “manifests” himself a new bike, apparently by staring at a picture of it until it magically appears. Yeah, well, mom and dad bought it didn’t they? Little Jimmy had them all creeped out, wouldn’t stop staring at that picture.

Sometimes what you need to manifest is to know what to manifest. Sheryl and I have a favorite manifesting prayer, “For the highest benefit of all concerned.” We pretty much stick to that one every day. Sheryl introduced me to that particular wording of the intention because that’s what she uses in every session. It’s helpful because it acknowledges possibilities beyond what our conscious minds can envision in the moment. Why not open the door to some truly astounding miracles? A new bike is chump change. Transform yourself.

Unraveling the Mysteries

The article in the Good Times came out today. We got a preview of it last night and it’s a pretty damn good representation of us. There’s a different photo online than the one in the paper. I think we like them both, but the one in the print edition is a bit better, also it’s huge! All things considered it’s even flattering. I had been worried that the photographer wanted to shoot us from below, but it came out fine. The only real error is a quote attributed to Sheryl stating that we strictly work with health issues. In fact we work with many different issues. Chris Magyar did a good job on the article and he strikes me as a really nice guy too. Jen Walters took the photo and she may have photoshopped the background in as well, really nice work.

here’s a link to the article:
http://www.gtweekly.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=194&Itemid=1

There are several other alternative health people featured in related articles. We know one of the acupuncturists, we even had dinner with her once to discuss marketing several months back. It’s funny, we’d seen her ad drop out of the GT section called “mind body spirit” and she had claimed that it wasn’t working very well for her. Since then she teamed up with three other acupuncturists and opened a “clinic” working for a very low sliding scale fee. I’d like to check in with her and see how this new arrangement works out.

In another part of the same issue, there’s this thing called the “Vibe Machine”. I have to admit that I’m assuming that it doesn’t work, doesn’t really do anything. As a former electronics tech I have to say; these electronic healing devices have been coming and going since the turn of the century. What’s my problem, why am I being such a humbug about it-- because for years I had to hear all about EMF pollution and endure seeing numerous devices flooding the market claiming to protect you from it: mostly these are copper bracelets or the like. Now somebody has invented a device which purposefully radiates people with EMF. I just read the “white paper” on the device, such as it is, and discussed it with Sheryl, and Sheryl brought her guides in on it. So, let me just say this. No matter what the secondary value, let us not bring people downward into ignorance. Sheryl tells me that it's easier for some people to have faith in an electrical device than something else. I don't know, I used to design and build loudspeakers to some pretty exacting specifications: they did what I said they'd do. There's just something about a device which includes a tesla coil and claims to be a cure which bugs me. Tesla coils make really pretty sparks. Even Nikola Tesla didn't claim his device would cure your cancer.

I haven’t been keeping up on this blog, and things have been piling up. A little bit ago I wrote about what can happen when the ego, having been subdued (usually through meditation but sometimes through illness, injury or other extreme stress) allows an enlightening experience to occur: one of expanded consciousness. I believe that the ego tends to snap back into place and can tend to identify itself with the experience of the numinous. I didn’t say so in the article, but it did come up in a recent video interview, that in extreme cases the ego decides “I am God” or depending on your religious background it may be, “I am Jesus.”

Well, in a certain sense, that’s good, especially if you then recognize the divine spark in every other person, in plants, animals, inanimate objects, in space etc. It’s a problem if you go around telling everybody that you’re Jesus and they need to get on board with you. I mean, it’s your choice, but like any unlikely claim, you may be asked to prove your case. Bear in mind that I am treading on dangerous ground here whenever I get skeptical of others: I’m a spiritual counselor and healer with my partner, Sheryl, who is a conscious channel. Plenty of people may be skeptical of us. What I’m trying to do is explain that there are quite a few reasons why person might think they’re Jesus, but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, a whole lot of reasons why you’re not. Guess who wins? Sometimes the measure of whether a person is considered delusional, or simply religious, in the eyes of society is only a matter of the vocabulary used. You can tell people that you’re “embodying Christ consciousness” and they won’t lock you up. If you’re Jesus, you’d already know that and I wouldn’t have to tell you. Jesus, by reputation was a miraculous healer, so maybe we'd be better off if more people were Jesus and were willing to prove it:

John 14:10 - "Dost thou not believe that I am in the Father and the Father in me? The words that I speak to you I speak not on my own authority. But the Father dwelling in me, it is he who does the works. 11 - Do you believe that I am in the Father and the Father in me? 12 - Otherwise, believe because of the works themselves. Amen, Amen, I say to you, he who believes in me, the works that I do he also shall do, and greater than these shall do, because I am going to the Father. 13 - And whatever you ask in my name, that I will do, in order that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 - And if you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."

Wow, and I'm not even Christian. But I've always liked that quote. I'm not even going to put my metaphysical stamp on it either. Lest anyone get confused: I don't validate any one religion over any other. Oh, I am so tempted to interpret the above quote, but no. I like it because it's empowering, and it's about recognizing the divinity in all of us. It's more inspiring to me than sparky devices, much as I love things that go "zap".

On another note I’m getting my heart broken lately by the guy on the street who told me he just got out of jail, spent two weeks there just for having an open container of beer. I don’t know the whole story, maybe he was driving at the time and maybe I’d better keep my compassion in check. More heartbreak by another person who called and Sheryl and I just didn’t have answers for him on the spot, and we couldn’t do what he wanted us to do. It wouldn’t have been appropriate for us to book an appointment with him, and also we just aren’t a referral service for other agencies who might be able to help. Still, we’re going to try to have a few phone numbers handy if we get another call that we need to refer out. It haunts me when somebody calls and I can’t help them, but there is something I need to learn there and it seems I haven’t got it yet.

I know damn well that I can’t do it all, and I’m not responsible for everybody who comes along. But I’m not over wanting to help anybody and everybody who comes along. I’m just not over that, nor have I entirely come to grips with the disparity of suffering in the world. You don’t talk to somebody about Karma when they just discovered that their child has a serious impairment which medical science can’t address. From a metaphysical point of view, it’s useful to assume that all of our life challenges are chosen by us, if not individually, then at least collectively as part of the human experience. In truth it’s better to assume responsibility for all of your life than to assume a “poor me” attitude (victimhood can be a miserable, yet addictive way of life). But sometimes the bigger truth is to keep your mouth shut, make a cup of tea and bring a blanket for some one who is suffering. Cry with them and hold them, sort out the metaphysics later.

Peace on Earth

Ok, so “Pan’s Labyrinth” is not the movie to see if you think you’re getting “fantasy.” It’s an intensely violent film. It got great reviews. I wish I hadn’t seen it, but I do know that I had concerns about putting out some really light hearted stuff in a recent article. As a healer I do take the suffering in the world seriously-- but that’s not all there is to see. We watched “The Secret” recently, and I thought it was too simplistic. Positive, yes, but not to be subjected to much critical thinking.

Got a call tonight from a person we probably can’t help, we’ll be offering referrals out. And an incoming email referral regarding another person we may not be able to help, but then again we may. We’ll see how it turns out. We’re very careful with our ethics, and also if a person is saying “I won’t do this” or “I won’t give up that”, we’re blocked. We don’t have permission to help. I have to learn to draw the line better between caring and letting go.

On another front we got our materials in to the Good Times for an ad next week. Also we were interviewed a couple days ago by GT and we went in for a photo shoot. One of the most unflattering ways to shoot a human is from a low angle with a wide angle lens at close range. That’s all the photographer seemed to want to do today, so Yikes! We’re letting go of the idea that we might look good in the photo, but on the bright side there may be an interesting and artistic shot of us in the GT next week. Our photographer was an artist and that counts. Also we felt really good about the interview and the guy who did the interview. Not to mention the fact that Rya Holloway at the ad desk definitely went the extra mile to make our ad look good.

We were able to make a suggestion so that future customers can avoid “pixelated text”. Another publication, The Connection, had detailed notes online about how to make your ad come out well, so we referred the GT to that web page. Lots of referrals today. Sheryl and I truly co-wrote the 200 word ad for the GT and I feel really really good about that: it’s got earmarks of both of us in the ad and I believe it’s OUR voice this time. I’m simply amazed that we can co-author something and have it work. We do joint counseling with no problems at all. So I shouldn’t be surprised. Maybe we’ll co author an actual article next.

Pan’s Labyrinth does one thing well; makes you really want peace.

What's all this about meditation?

I missed an opportunity the other day, when I bumped into Amy, whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in about ten years. She looked exactly the same, seemed so familiar that it felt like we’d just finished a conversation ten minutes ago, not ten years.
Amy is having headaches, she says, moreso since she started home schooling her kid. There was no reason to state the obvious, so we didn’t. But Amy asked me if I knew a meditation teacher. I’ve been asked that question before and it always throws me. I never have a good answer. A good answer might be, “I can teach you meditation”. But that’s never the answer that I have at the ready because when somebody tells me they need to be taught to meditate, I don’t get that. I don’t understand it. Like if somebody asked me to teach them to walk-- I’d start out saying, “Well, make sure you’re standing up first, then put one foot in front of the other.”

I might know full well that bipedal locomotion is actually a pretty complicated way to get around, and that if one were to count the muscles actually used to simply walk, the tally would probably include most of the muscles in the body all working in a perfectly orchestrated symphony of movement. But most of the people I know do it all the time without thinking.
So to start out teaching somebody how to meditate, I think I’d first have to say:

“Do it without thinking.”

Aha. That’s the part which stops most people dead in their tracks. That’s the excuse anyway. “How am I supposed to meditate, when my mind keeps thinking thoughts?”
I say it’s an excuse, because most people I’ve known who are going to start meditating just as soon as they find a teacher are lying. Maybe that’s another reason I don’t have an answer for people who are looking to learn how to meditate: they aren’t really looking. "I'm going to start meditating" is right up there with "I'm going to lose weight this year." and "The check is in the mail" for things people say but don't mean.

Why would a person who isn’t actually looking to learn to meditate ask me if I know of a good teacher? There’s exactly the crux of why people find meditation difficult to learn:
A part of them knows there is great value in it, unfortunately that’s not the part currently in charge of walking, talking, finding meditation teachers, having conversations with old acquaintances, home schooling and getting mysterious headaches. The Brain does all that. I know I said a minute ago, “my mind keeps thinking thoughts” but at the moment I’m going to say “brain” and not “mind”. A few minutes from now I’m going to call that entity something else. Wait for it, but be patient. All in good time. There is no need to anticipate, and no need to reflect upon the previous paragraphs. All is as it should be. Be in the moment. There, now you’ve meditated.

Meditation is one of the simplest things to do, but people have all kinds of reasons not to do it. The Mind (capital M: MIND) knows it’s important, the brain wants nothing to do with it. As long as the brain has appropriately small bits of free space upon which to cram thoughts, the brain is happy. The brain likes to be excited, generally stays that way all day, gets tired and then goes into sleep mode wherein it still can’t keep still but generally gets rested enough to get up for another day of being excited and busy cramming thoughts into small bits of free space. That’s the brain’s job. Most people who want to meditate get interested in it because they’re stressed out and meditation has been sold as something to help you to relax. As a tool, meditation is so much more than that-- selling like you’d sell a barcolounger is doing a tremendous disservice.

Back to the brain: brains do cool stuff, no need to pick on the brain. The brain doesn’t know what it is, except through self awareness generated by subject/object interaction which we start learning from birth-- some say before birth. Picture a subject (you) picking up and holding and object in your hand, say, an apple. We start life with similarly simple interactions necessary to survive and thrive, and our brains grow in this environment to believe that everything there is to know is all about subject/object-- a dichotomy. In meditation it’s possible for the brain to relax enough for long enough to recognize a different reality: one where there is no separation between subject and object. But the brain isn’t really used to this concept and can resist going there.

When the brain gets together with self awareness we call that the ego. The ego is good. Ego’s do cool things. Don’t knock the ego. Without the ego there is no self awareness, which makes it really difficult to do subject/object interactions. Subject object interactions are, in a common sense, everything which impacts a person, or upon which a person impacts. A buddhist might describe the whole of reality as a complex of interaction between causes and conditions, or Dukha, which roughly translates as “suffering”. It would take too long to explain that in this article: don’t get too hung up on this because the nature of reality isn’t all that important really. It’s only important to the ego because the ego suffers under a very popular and persistent misconception. The ego, which is a very small, specific and specialized part of you, thinks in fact that it is the all of you. Worse yet, because the ego exists solely through habitual subject/object interactions, this self awareness called the ego has a sense that if or when these subject/object interactions cease, all hell will break loose: heaven and earth will part, fire will rain from the sky and death will result.

Well now I’m just being dramatic. Let me simplify. Subject/object interactions are “noise” the cessation of which results in “peace”, but unfortunately the ego interprets this as “Rest In Peace”. There's a good reason for this. From the standpoint of the ego, which considers itself to be the totality of you and sometimes even further than that the totality of everything (much like a small child thinks his parents are masters of the universe) too much peace will reveal to the ego an essential truth: that it only exists as a byproduct of this modulated noise. When it gets too quiet the ego realizes that it has no reason to exist. If it stays quiet for very long the ego realizes several more things in rapid succession: that maybe it isn’t the all of you, isn’t the all of everything, and oops, now wait a second: the ego realizes that it does not exist at all when isolated from it’s environment (noise) which probably means ... it doesn’t really exist at all anyway. The ego realizes it’s own nothingness when it enters the quiet environment of meditation. That’s why the ego, the brain (which thinks pretty highly of itself and prefers to be called “the mind” even though it’s not the MIND) all conspire to fill up with thoughts, run around interacting with with other egos and things-- overworking themselves and getting headaches when all they really need to do much of the time is sit down and shut up. Phew.

But you can’t really blame the ego, the brain and such for acting they way they do. They have a good sense of self preservation, and depending on the degree of self delusion, they may strongly believe that if they let down their guard the whole of the universe will wink out of existence. That’s a heavy load to bear.

Contrary to the popular opinions of human egos everywhere-- annihilation of the ego isn’t so bad. If you’re in a safe place when it happens and not much is being required of you, most people find it a very enjoyable experience. Some call it the experience of non-local consciousness, also called an experience of the numinous, or many people call it an enlightening experience.

Also, in healthy people the ego has an amazingly resilient ability to regenerate itself. It pops back to the surface like a beach ball released from the bottom of the pool. “Pow! Splash! I’m Baaaaack.” In fact, somewhat ironically, the ego often identifies itself with the enlightening experience and then there’s hell to pay. Your average meditation teacher probably fits this category. Maybe that’s another reason why I never have a teacher to recommend when I’m asked. Anyway, the ego which once thought it was everything, or in the very least the whole of you, and yet feared it’s own annihilation, now knows that it is indeed everything, is still in charge of you, and despite it’s recent annihilation it has reincarnated at will.

The enlightened ego has just opened a yoga center in your neighborhood. She has a habit of smiling beatifically, staring into your eyes a little too much and she hugs everybody. When she talks she sounds like Madonna for some reason, and even her closest friends sometimes wish that she would fall into a mud puddle in the middle of discussing “the Akashic records”.
But I digress, again. Quite possibly my ego doesn’t want your ego to meditate. But I think some part of me does, if some part of you wants to. It’s not about how it’s done or whether or not a teacher is needed or if it’s too boring to sit still for. Ever heard of Sufi dancing? There are all kinds of ways to get there. Before you start it’s better if you have some idea why you’re doing it. The rest is easy.

Paul's Evil Twin?

This blogging thing has caused such an uproar. More precisely, a tempest in a tea cup, between Sheryl and I. I had not written anything of note in a long time, and hadn't published since last year when I was pushing, and being pushed by outside forces (my editor) to write several scandalous news articles per week. All my previous training as a fiction writer, a creative non fiction writer, and then as a poet was to let my first draft fly with no self censorship. As I progressed in my writing career I discovered that getting published involves a certain amount of controversial or conflict oriented angles on things. That, and I suffer from testosterone poisoning. So between my chronic lifelong affliction, and all the attention and compliments I've received over the years-- "I am what I am." At least in print. For those of you who know that I was accepted into an MFA program last year at the prestigious (?) University of British Columbia at Vancouver should also know that it was the only application to Grad School that I sent out, and that I got in with submissions which in part, made a lot of fun of Canadians. After they totally gakked my financial aid application, I am far more inclined today to poke fun at Canadians. It's quite safe. What are they going to do, invade and sack the White House? Again? Where's the fun in that? They already did it once. One thing Canadians don't do is repeat themselves, eh? I said one thing Canadians don't do is repeat themselves, eh? I said one thing. . .

But be that as it may. I repeat myself a lot because I figure very few people actually listen even 75% of the time. Especially me. So if I repeat myself I might get an idea myself, sooner or later, of what I am actually getting at. The 75% listening factor gives me 25% free space to replay minor variations on a theme. Then I find out who is really listening because they tell me to shut the hell up for a second, or at least try to get to my point. And I do. Because they got my attention; by means of making some strident noise.

By the way, we met very few Canadians who actually say eh, eh? But many Vancouverites over stress their vowels which is really quite charming. Also, instead of asking where you're from they say, "Where's home?" which I took rhetorically and tried to answer in the abstract realm every single time. As a result many Canadians are now convinced that Californians:
1. Can't answer a simple question.
2. Talk too much.
3. Have little or no idea where they are from.

Like the Evil Twin issue: here I am still trying to explain, again, why it's OK for me to be who I am. One of our clients says to me, "You're such a GUY." And she's right. But it's not really evil to be a guy. Just mildly unpleasant at times. Here's a great example, Mary Daly. She's my all time favorite feminist, as radical as they come. Why do I love her so much? She's such a GUY. She out-guys me so much of the time. I like even more that she'd probably really hate to hear me say that. She got fired from a tenured university professorship for refusing to teach one of her classes as a coed class (it was all women). Know why?
She said that she could not teach a class on feminism which included men because women are (by cultural conditioning) too prone to self censoring their true feelings in the presence of men. She's right I think-- my partner is in the next room self censoring as I write. Mary Daly was once asked if her Ph'd in Theology wasn't still useful to her and she answered, "Yes, as compost." My god the woman has guts.

So lets all be "such a guy" for one day and then the next day we can all be. . . something else, before the rivers run with blood and the atmosphere burns off in a nuclear conflagration. There's a place for polarization and theres a place for integration of the opposing sides of ourselves. I'm still considering doing and "Evil Twin" blog and then another blog of more useful, calm and healing intent, but I still don't really want to do that. I'd rather be whole.

Yours in pure unrestricted unconditional Love,
Paul

"I'm not that kind of Angel"

Questioning whether it's OK to blog what I happen to think at any given time. I am in business as a spiritual healer, and what happens to my public image if I get upset one day and write about it? Am I supposed to be a perfect being? Does that mean I lack emotions? Even Jesus lost his temper. Guatama Buddha ate bad meat and died from acute food poisoning (that's right, he wasn't a vegetarian). The Hindus have a tremendously large pantheon of dieties with multiple aspects to each. Kali-ma is the most popular personal diety in India: she drinks the blood of demons. Her likeness is often seen dancing on the corpse of her lover. I think it's safe to say that she is a bad-ass, but in a good way. She weilds tremendous power. Moses broke the tablets, and Mohammed pressed islam all over his territory where it became a predominant social order. He was no wimp. (PS, i am not defending monotheism or institutionalized religion and I'm not condemning it either).

There is such a thing as resistance-- I'm not on a crusade other than trying to do what I do and help people. It doesn't matter to me what the person holds as religious beleifs, or if they don't have any. And I don't think it serves anybody, really, for me to pretend to be an amorphous blob of pure spiritual love without any OTHER human qualities.

At the same time I'm embarassed for ranting that we had to cancel a display ad. Big deal. Same goes for a bulletin board with contradictory qualities, jeez, who the hell cares. And I've been talking about my espresso machine-- which is damn close to being my only vice. I don't smoke, rarely drink, no drugs, am not sex crazed but not celibate either. One day a few years back I decided that I wanted my one cup of coffee in the morning to taste good. Then I decided it should be really good. Then I decided it should be as good as it can possibly be. But I'm embarrased by that. A lot of human experience can be seen as profound, but on some level maybe a lot of human experience is trivial to me. I see it most in my own interests: when I realize I simply like good coffee, therefore I roast it myself and maintain a pretty elaborate espresso machine. And every once in a while I look over at it and just laugh. I used to be in a band, I used to design and build custom speakers, I used to ride and sometimes race motorcycles, I've been an obsessed newspaper reporter and photo journalist, wildlife photographer, published several works of fiction and non-fiction. I've been a literary editor. I've had loves whom I have considered central to my existence. Who cares. I look over at all that stuff and laugh. What matters-- kindness, giving of oneself, honesty, a lot of those amorphous yet definitive moments in time as they arise and then pass into obscurity. A part of me has been wholly fascinated with the integration of the transcendant and the immanent ever since I was a little kid. I've accepted the spiritual life and trained myself for it; I'm still in training of course. But I'm spiritual, not dead. Even after I'm dead I figure I'll show a little spirit, a little spice. At the risk of being trite I quote the movie "Michael" when I say, Inner light? Halo? Yeah sometimes, but otherwise "I'm not that kind of Angel."

Old friend Patti, dead-band settings, letting go of the reins

Spent almost three hours on the phone with my old friend, Patti, who is quite near and dear to me. She's gone through some rough times with relationships, and finally reached the point where she decided, "hey this is it, I am at rock bottom and do not know what to do or how to handle this. Are you listening universe? Give me some guidance." And she got it. The words came into her mind immediately. It seems to involve letting go of something that isn't working, but I'm not willing to say more than that because I am already paraphrasing and making it look like an exact quote. Gratifying to know that when you're really open to it, solutions come. She sounds so much better now than she did when I spoke with her last, and it's really a pleasure to talk with her when she's on her game.

My new pressure stat arrived yesterday for my broken espresso machine: an Isomac Tea for those who care. Easy install and it works. I followed the basic instructions for setting it up, and then was afraid to do a "fine tune" of the deadband adjustment. The "dead band" adjustment was not in the instructions, and when I adjusted the old pressure-stat, including the dead-band, I got "dead espresso machine." That was when I ordered the upgrade pressure stat; for about $62.00 versus a direct replacement for $37.00 and had to go a whole week without espresso (the horror). Blah de blah, other details may follow but most people won't care unless they are a total coffee nut like myself. So anyway I was pretty scared to twiddle too much with the new part for fear of breaking it. I had sent an email to the part supplier but hadn't heard back yet. So Sheryl was asking me all evening what was the matter with me and I kept saying "I don't know." Because I really didn't know. At some point in the evening I said to Sheryl, "I really want to fine tune that thing." She encouraged me to go ahead and do it and even told me that if I broke it we'd buy another part. Wow. How many women will support her man's right to break stuff?
So I went ahead and adjusted the dead band and also fine tuned the general p-stat adjustment until it was where I wanted it. In the middle of it Sheryl told me that the discord she'd been sensing all evening in me was gone. Wow again, that means I'm even crazier than I thought.

A few hours later I got an email reply from the part supplier: "Don't mess with the dead band. If you break the stat please do not call me looking for a free replacement." Yikes. I had already messed with it. It didn't break. Today I "messed" it back slightly towards the direction it was set to when I got it. I also went to "coffee geek" website and posted a question about p-stats. Coffee geek, as you may have guessed, is where we can all be crazy about coffee together and nobody laughs at anybody. We encourage each other to be mentally ill.

All last night, in the back of my head somewhere, was the fact that I had a big stainless steel machine in the next room diligently holding 1.7 liters of water in a sealed boiler at my exact pre-set pressure. That means every forty seconds the 1400 watt heating element turns on for five seconds, then off for 40 seconds, then on again. The boiler pressure varying only one tenth of a BAR. All this so I can get up in the morning and steam about 6 ounces of milk in about 60 seconds, and brew about 2 ounces of espresso to add to the steamed milk. Typically, that's all I'll have in a day: one double capuccino.

Now I don't know what to say, quite. If you leave the machine off, it takes a good thirty minutes to warm up again. We do drink tea and sometimes hot chocoloate at night. I've also used the steamer to heat up other beverages or even soup. I've even used the steamer to take the chill off red wine and bring it to room temperature. I think it takes about 135 watts on average to run the machine on all the time like I do. I also think that's wishful thinking and it really wastes more electricity than that. Turning the machine off will save electricity, but then it won't be "ready" whenever we want it's magical heating powers.

Here is what the dead-band adjustment does: it sets the pressure interval between something happening, and waiting for something to happen. If it gets set too tightly, something happening and waiting for something to happen occurs simultaneously. There is a red light and a green light on the machine whose functions indicate when the water in the sealed boiler is heating (something happening), and when it is cooling down to the point where it will be heated again (waiting for something to happen). A dial indicator shows pressure. This morning the red light and green light were on at the same time. The red light was functioning normally, (on for five seconds, off for forty seconds) but the green light never went out. It kept waiting for something to happen, not realizing that it was happening. The pressure gauge told the real story: the pressure was right where I set it to be: kind of high and too tightly controlled for reasons which I have come to question.

I backed off the dead-band a bit. All is as it should be now.

Finding new solutions, and finishing up a few things.

What’s new in the last five days: More good healing work which again I can’t talk about. I can say that I’m very grateful to be doing the work that we do. And Sheryl and I are always bringing each other along as well.

Again, through the magic of editing, I am once again not bitching about the ad we placed in the Good Times and then had to remove. I only edit myself when I think I should. And right now I think I should.

On another front, I got a nice email or two from Clytia Fuller who works for Bookshop Santa Cruz. She’s in charge of the bulletin board postings there, and I had requested to know why my flier had been consistently turned down, and why the bulletin boards are labeled “nonprofit only” when there are tons of for profit ads there.
I looked Clytia up online: she also does a Folk Music radio program on a local public radio station. I hear it’s a good program but I don’t remember the specifics or I’d give her a plug here.
Anyway she very politely answered my questions-- she said she thought our “events” were too expensive and also that they might not be of interest to “the most public.” So, that hurt. We’re not totally mainstream but then neither is folk music; and that’s worth promoting in my opinion. If a concert is too expensive maybe you just don’t go, but you might still want to hear about it. I wonder how many folk music fliers hit that bulletin board?
As to being expensive; we work on a sliding scale, we’ve also worked purely by donation for two months last year and in addition we gave away fourteen sessions for free. I don’t know how she got the impression we’re too expensive. “Events” aren’t currently our specialty: we only did one last year and it was a free talk. Our fliers do look professional, maybe we just look expensive.
All that is besides the point though-- they get too many fliers to post them all so they have to make judgments. I’m told I’m not the only person upset about being rejected. Clytia concluded that if the bulletin boards at Bookshop Santa Cruz didn’t say “for non-profits only” when there are quite a few for profit ads up there, that they might avoid so many hard feelings. That was indeed my original complaint. Apparently the real criteria is that non-profits get posted first, then the rest of the space is filled in with lower cost services and events; but it’s all according to what Clytia can determine by looking at the fliers and it’s also subject to what she thinks is a good or popular thing to post. I very much appreciate the feedback from Clytia, and none of this is personal. The gist of my complaint there was that the “nonprofit” thing wasn’t true, so what was the real deal? Was there one person in the back room choosing fliers based on their personal preference? There was and there still is. Bookshop Santa Cruz may have already updated the criteria but I don’t know how they are going to do it without indicating the obvious, which is:
“We post whatever we feel like posting.” Maybe they could follow that with “no whiners.”
Ironically we have submitted fliers elsewhere where the criteria was just that upfront: if the business owner likes it, they post it. If they don’t, they won’t. And I never ever had a problem with that. For some reason I seem to get, um, just plain nuts sometimes when a thing strikes me as not true, not fair, or hypocritical. That still doesn’t mean I’m right and somebody else is wrong, it just means that something got my attention and I decided to speak up about it.
PS, calling one’s business “nonprofit” doesn’t automatically make it more worthy as a public service, sometimes the opposite is true. Bookshop Santa Cruz is a for profit institution, does that make them bad?
When I get a chance I’ll go by there and see if they put better criteria on the bulletin boards. I’m curious now to see how they handle it even though we aren’t doing any fliers right now.
I don’t want to be one of those people who just bitches but then doesn’t have a good solution to a problem. Actually, I’d rather be a person who doesn’t bitch a whole lot but just jumps straight to the solution. I’m working on that. Lately I’m bitching a lot and something is wrong there.
In the meantime Sheryl and I are about to launch into better ways of doing our work.
Sheryl has published two books and has at least one more in process. I’ve published a lot of fiction and several articles and I kind of miss publishing. When it comes to the spiritual work theres a lot to be said rather than simply waiting for a client to ask the right questions.
I figure that I’m on the verge of a more proactive approach to getting things done. All that stuff with the Good Times, again, I'm not talking about it. Things change and heal and get better. I don’t know why I tripped out so much about a bulletin board-- except to say that marketing ones business can sometimes be a frustrating thing.

Prickly things and the beauty of the barb

I like the way the thorns on this cactus-type plant radiate in a spiral pattern. Do they radiate out or do they radiate inward?
I planted a few barbs in my blog and I think they got stepped on. I don't know which way they're radiating.

Through the magic of editing I am no longer complaining here about how an ad we did in the Good Times didn't go the way we wanted and eventually we cancelled it. That's one barb, removed. And I'm good with that for my own reasons.


The other barb was about Bookshop Santa Cruz in regards to the non-profit bulletin board which clearly isn't non-profit. A nice woman named Clytia from the Bookshop posted a comment, she offered to look over my flier and tell me why it wasn't posted. I responded with a rant. Sorry Clytia. I can't really take back everything I said, but I probably stepped over the line and I am sorry for that.

woe is me, the espresso machine broke

Yes, it broke and the culprit is apparently the pressure stat as shown above. I think it's a C.E.M.E, and I suppose I should be happy that it lasted for over two years of being on all the time, 24/7. Why would a person leave the espresso machine on all the time, you might ask. Why in the world would a person post a photo of a pressure stat, you might also ask. I have to go and eat now, but I'll answer some of these burning coffee questions later.

Ok, I'm back. We had waffles from Trader Joe's with whipped cream and fresh strawberries, also two eggs over easy. As usual we ate on the front porch and as usual I was in my bathrobe. Amazing to be able to do that in mid January, especially when it's snowing in Los Angeles. Global warming I think-- there were 100mph gale force winds knocking people down in the streets of London this week. But back to the really important stuff: my espresso machine.

I had to drink my freshly roasted ( I roasted it yesterday) coffee from my french press today. No instant hot water from my Isomac Tea, but at least I got to use my commercial grade grinder. The horror. Can't remember what variety of single origin coffee I'm drinking, because I've got eight varieties of beans ready to roast at all times and I don't always note which one I'm currently drinking. I'm not bragging: I'm confessing. I don't have many vices but being a coffee geek is one of them. Sheryl's eyes glaze over when I start talking about BAR, heat exchangers, PID temperature controllers and the like. And she's right to shy away from this stuff I think but in my defense before she met me, she hated coffee, espresso was out of the question. Now she hits me up for big gulps of my double cappucino every morning. If you do it right, a cappucino tastes like a hot chocolate, and she does love hot chocolate. But now we're in mourning until my magic machine is resurrected. Ok she's not in mourning. I'm taking the opportunity to question my attachment to a hot drink, and the massive and complex machinery it takes to produce it.

Why leave the espresso machine on at all times: so that it's warmed up and ready to go whenever you want a hot drink. How wasteful is that: it's about like running a 100 watt bulb all the time. Some say it's more like 135 watts on average for my particular machine. The truth: it depends on a lot of factors-- is my boiler insulated? No. What is the ambient room temperature? Pretty low at night, this time of year, results in more heat transfer from the machine to the air surrounding it. How hot is the machine set to run? Pretty hot in my case, as of the last few days when I descaled it and found rather easy access to the two little screws which control boiler pressure (equates to temperature) and I forget what they call it, drift? It's the dead zone wherein the heating element turns on, turns off and waits a bit before it goes back on. Has to do with maintaining a constant temperature. I set the temp higher and I tweaked the dead zone pretty tight to where I was getting only about one-tenth bar of variation. Somewhere on the web a guy claims that's about one degree celcius of variation but I haven't confirmed. In the middle of tweaking, the pressure stat freaked and wouldn't turn off the heating element until twiddled one of the screws again, that was a warning sign. For a couple of days I was really really happy with my renewed machine, then it broke. In all likelihood, what I did broke the pressure stat. In my defense (again I'm defending myself?) the pressure stat was old, was already acting up and as it turns out, is a weak point of the "pro-sumer" home espresso machine. You see why my girlfriend wants to run for cover when I start to talk about this stuff? It's insane. It's coffee, it's only coffee. Get a grip, Paul.

So anyway, back to the insanity. Last night I ordered a "yaeger" pressure stat. It costs twice as much as the OEM replacement part, but the ad copy assures that it's amuch more reliable part. Of course it says that. What else would it say? The OEM part was $37.00, I opted for the $65.00 part, but did not buy the top of the line Sirai pressure stat which costs about a hundred bucks and is too big to fit into the machine anyway. A top of the line commercial grade pressure stat. The sad part is that a part of me ( broken part most likely, a part that needs replacing) actually wanted the Sirai. The even sadder part involve an even more broken part of my brain which wants to install a PID controller to the tune of about $200. Where online do I shop for brain tissue? The OEM variety will probably suit me just fine. PS, you might want to know that $65.00 clears out my bank account. It's all I have. No budget for new brain parts. This situation is what you might call a cascade failure, thermal runaway-- I'm too hot for coffee and my circuits got fried. Some time I'll talk about my previous life as an "audiophile." That's another techno-addiction.

Before anybody judges me too harshly, here's my little reminder that coffee done well isn't just good coffee-- it's a quantum leap away from what any (normal) person thinks of as coffee. It's a whole different drink. And yet, is all that expensive equipment really necessary to produce it? Or do guys just fall in love too easily with overly complex and expensive machinery? (Don't knock it, we fall in love with women too, and there may be some common features there).

Some lucky business man had his product featured in the Sentinel a while back: it was a coffee maker. I saw one at a fancy culinary arts store on the Pacific Garden Mall. Sorry I can't think of the name of the product or even the store. It's basically a clear plastic tube with a piston-type plunger and probably a filter in the bottom. It's kind of a low rent espresso machine, maybe a cross between a french press and an espresso machine. Actually, I don't really see the point in it, it being too close to a french press and too far from espresso. HOWEVER: the review he got in the paper was pretty intriguing. The inventor became quite concerned with brew temperature, brew time, and the use of pressure to enhance brewing. These are some of the same considerations for good espresso. His little coffee maker is damn cheap compared to a lot of things which combine hot water and ground coffee, so, more power to him. I probably won't buy it, because I blew all my money on a single pressure stat: enough money to buy two or three coffee makers, enough money to buy a psuedo-espresso machine from Longs Drugs. Enough money to buy something I might actually need or get real enjoyment out of. Enough money to pay for all kinds of good things in the world that have nothing to do with hold-out addictions to food or drink. Coffee insanity. I reserve the right to be a little insane about little things that don't matter much. I think it keeps me sane.